Ran with the devil, Walked with angels

7/20/09 Monday
It’s hard to believe it’s already the twentieth. Time sure seems to fly but it does for me anyway. That’s an effect of the short term memory loss. When you don’t remember much of the days before they blend together. One of the things that constantly happen is I will look at the plants and weeds seem to miraculously grow overnight. In my mind I just weeded the day before so finding a two foot tall weed is disconcerting. The other day I saw a melon on the golden honeydew vine that was seven inches long and almost as wide. It’s like it just magically appeared. I know I saw it several times before but just didn’t remember. So strange to be me. The world changes so quickly when you don’t remember.

I’ve been chopping down the corn. Accidently cut one of the drip tapes while doing it. I cut them often and need to order more of the repair unions. Used them all up. I’m planning on running the mower over them to chop it up for the compost. You can see lots of evidence of the bugs that trashed it. By aerobically composting I will kill all their eggs. Saw some squash bugs on the corn. Read in Mother Earth News that guinea fowl will rid a garden completely of squash bugs and unlike chickens won’t trash the plants. Something else we would like to try but like everything don’t have the means to right now.

I’m frustrated. Got out to work a little after 8:00 this morning. Got physically tired pretty quick swinging the chopper thing I used to cut down the corn. Can’t think of the name for it right now. That’s the aphasia thing where it’s hard to find words. Plus I’m slowing down. I’ve got so much to do. Can’t afford to stop or get slow. It’s already hot. Humidity is up there.

Worked on the old store yesterday. Was going to fix the roof but the old man had someone else do it. Don’t remember if I mentioned it but the wind blew the steel roof almost all the way off. Actually some did blow off. That was the day before or Friday. Not sure which.

This slowdown is effecting my coordination. Remembered I had taken pictures as I wrote so went to download them. Had a hard time plugging the cord in. Have a headache coming on. One thing on top of another. This sucks. Hard to maintain a positive attitude.

Saw a different kind of truck at the oil well across the highway. Small. Not the semis we normally see. Then it went to our well after pumping something from the first. I called the oil company to let them know in case it was someone stealing oil.

I get so tired when I have these slowdowns. Won’t go lay down. Too much to do. Too much has already been neglected. Geese, just looked at the clock. Thought it might be 9:00 – 9:30 and it’s 11:12. It’s so weird to have time flip by like this. Like I just blanked out for a couple of hours. I didn’t but it’s strange. Somehow I had erased much of this paragraph and didn’t notice. Was able to recover it using the edit thing. Maybe I should lay down.

Here’s some pictures I found on the camera. I guess Cherie took them of her roses. They are doing well.
Can't publish pictures cause internet connection went to hell.

7/17/09 Friday
I called the old man about borrowing his disc. He said it was still attached to his tractor so to just use it. Man, I’ve got to get one of these. It’s the same model we wanted to get but that was before Cherie had her full time job and our credit is still bad. Mostly because of the bankruptcy we had to file that included the quarter million dollar hospital bill I had from the coma. We could have gotten this with a front end loader for something like $230 a month. It’s way better than that thing I bought. Has a reverse that works, power steering that works, and a lot more balls. I’m grateful we have the Massey Ferguson but…

It’s going to be a 103 or so degrees today and it’s humid on top of that. I’ve been running the tractor for about two hours now. Came in to grab a bite to eat and more importantly, something to drink. As I ran the disc it was sad to see how much of the sticker grass has gone to seed. It was my hope to keep it turned under to prevent this and prevent it from propagating. Once I get my own disc so I won’t have to borrow one it will be easier. So basically I’m planting weeds as I disc. Plus if I had my own I could have disced after the rain. Now with it so dry the wheels of the tractor spin and in some places you can’t see where the disc blades were because it’s just sand and flattens right out. As this farm grows and we get the tools needed things will be much easier and I can do a better job. Till then I do the best I can with what I’ve got and I’ve got a whole lot more than last year or when we first moved here. Hell we didn’t even have a lawnmower back then. Little by little we’re getting there. You can’t blame me for being in a hurry can you?

I’ll need to drive the tractor to the farmer’s co-op and fill it with diesel. Looks like I’ll be running the thing for about another four hours to finish everything. With a reverse that works I will be able to get into the various plots that I normally have to do with the tiller. That will save a ton of work, and back pain. It’s hard on my neck because I can’t turn it far enough to look behind me. The things a little stiff after being broke three separate times. Some times I have to stand up as I back the tractor to see where I’m going when in a delicate spot.

The corn’s a total loss. Not really a surprise. Everyone tells me that corn is impossible to grow out here. I’m not buying that and will keep trying till I figure out how. One thing I can’t do has to do with the heat. Sweet corn turns starchy quickly in the heat. I was talking to Wally and he said something about “You have to pick it and cook it right away. Pull the ear of corn and put it right in the pot”. I’m going to try a fall crop so it ripens when things are getting cold. The problem is that out here in the desert you could hit a hundred degrees in October, or maybe even in November. What got the corn this time was bugs though. I only sprayed once and probably need to do that a whole lot more. The organic pesticides aren’t as effective as the other stuff so it takes a lot more. That’s hard on the budget at our current level. Organic stuff costs twice as much, if not more.

Gotta fix something to eat folks. Think it will be a meatloaf sandwich. Then it’s back to work.



Oh! Here’s a picture of the Dana 60 rear end I’ll have for sale. Steve and Janie had it laying in a storage unit so gave it to us so we could raise some funds. It was built up for a funny car so you can bet it’s beefed up pretty good. I’ll have to take it apart to figure out what’s in it. Is it a Detroit Locker, or positrac, or limited slip? What’s the gear ratio? Are the gears the heavy duty high grade steel ones? How many splines are on the axles? What kind of axles are they? I know they aren’t stock ones and are definitely stronger and bigger. The only identifying mark is the symbol on the ends. Any of y’all recognize it? It's hard to google a symbol. This is a “shortened” rear end meaning it’s made to fit fat racing slicks under the vehicle. What I was told is that the guy who owned it was building a funny car out of a pickup. There are lots of other parts including a set of racing discs and break calipers with special pads. Cool stuff. I haven’t had time to look it all up.

7/16/09 Thursday
The tick wars continue. When I took Gretchen to have her stitches removed I picked eight or nine off of her. We’ve sprayed the dogs and the house and Cherie runs the vacuum to suck up the ticks we see on the floor where the dogs had been. Plus we check each other for ticks on a regular basis. If we feel anything on our skin we run and check, thinking it might be a tick. It seldom is but the paranoia’s there. Today we will spend the bucks to get the Frontline stuff that works well.

I sold out of the blackeyed peas yesterday and then went and picked some more. As I picked in saw some new types of bugs and there are lots of little moths flying in the leaves. They lay eggs of all kinds of hungry bugs and caterpillars. So I got out early this morning and sprayed everything. The cantaloupe are looking really good now. What wasn’t killed by my insecticide soap experiment has recovered well and the new seeds are coming out strong. After spraying I came in and whipped up some eggs for breakfast. Gotta keep fuel in the body you know, helps me keep going.

I need to run to the landfill later. Don’t want to do it this morning because I want to work out in the fields before it gets too hot. It will be another hundred plus degree day but the humidity will be high. That’ll make it bad. I’m already sweating and it’s only 9:30.

Yesterday I ate lunch at Bushes chicken. Don’t usually eat out because of the budget but had some cash from selling peas. While eating I could hear a conversation between the manager and another gentleman regarding advertising. With my marketing background I eavesdropped with great interest. When done with the meal I stopped by their table and complemented the manager about having chickens that “aren’t starved to death”. All the other chicken places serve drumsticks that look like toothpicks and it frustrates me. The gentleman said that Bushes hasn’t gone cheap and still buy chickens that have some weight to them.

I asked if he was an owner or something and he said he was a consultant to restaurants. I made a suggestion regarding a marketing campaign that he seemed to think was pretty good. “Who are you” he asked with curiosity. I explained that I had once owned a marketing company and told about the coma, how everything was gone when I woke up. I didn’t mention that I had pretty much trashed everything prior to the accident due to going off the deep end with the divorce from the second wife and another probable brain injury.

As we talked it turns out that he’s from up Michigan way and had managed forty or sixty pizza huts (Can’t remember exactly but it was a bunch) He gave me his business card and asked me to send him an email. Henry (That’s his name) also mentioned that he knew a couple of good writers that might be interested in helping me write my book. That sound good as I really haven’t been good at getting to that and most of what I had written is trapped on the two hard drives of my still unrepaired laptop.

I told Henry about the plans I have for the farm. Lately I’ve been feeling an urgency about getting moving on that. I have also had a return of mental clarity, glimpses of who I used to be. That is encouraging. It would be good to get back in the saddle again. I’m still up and down regarding my cognizance but more up than down. It’s time to move on this. As I tell others about my vision I can see that it’s hard for them to accept. That’s because I’m talking about a multi million dollar operation, nothing small or shy about it. And I can understand it would be hard to swallow, especially when they all know, or at least have an idea, of the difficulties I have from the TBI. Fact is that I know I can’t do this by myself. Understanding that, the primary key to my plan is to enlist others with talents and abilities, to create a team of people who share the vision and will work to make it happen. I’ll reveal more when it’s time.

So back to work. I will call the old man to see if I can use his disc today or tomorrow. I need to go cut weeds at the old store as well. See ya.
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1:17 – Made it to the landfill. Ate a hamburger at the Stanton drug store. I’m tired. Forgot to take checks to the bank and drop off the check for the electric bill. Better do that now before I forget. Can’t believe it’s so late already. I think I’m a little slow. Still need to get tick medicine in Midland. Will wash dogs before putting it on with the tick shampoo. Might not get to borrowing the disc. We’ll see how that goes. Hate it when I get slow. You can see it in how I write. All short sentences. If I talked to someone I’m sure I could hear it. Cherie knows how that is.

Hey all, it's going to be another hot one. I, we have been busy. Picked peas till 10:00 PM Monday, got up and picked till 2:00 yesterday and tried to deliver them to all the folks who responded to the email I sent to our Sunday school class. Didn't get it all done so will deliver more today. I've got to pick the rest this morning and in a few days, or maybe only two, it will be time to pick again. I've just about earned the money needed to pay for the $144.00 ticket for failing to have had the truck inspected. The speeding ticket I'll contest in court, they will send the court date soon.

So it's packed in. I'm putting this article, written by Lee Woodruff, Bob Woodruff's wife. (Bob is an ABC reporter who received a traumatic brain injury while in Iraq)
It's very relevant to my injury. It's been almost eight years since I woke from my coma and every day, well every month, we can still see small improvements. I never had any of the rehabilitation therapies mentioned so am lucky to have come this far. I actually developed my own therapies such as playing chess with myself. I'd make a move and then spin the board around. With the short term memory loss I wouldn't know what the "other guy" (me) was up to so had to figure out my strategy. I'd often forget that before I could make a move. I seldom finished a game but it exercised my brain. How grateful I am that I've come this far. Unless you really know me or spend time around me you can't tell at all I've had an injury. But I can tell. Always an internal struggle to think straight. Love you guys. Be good. Got a life to build so got to go. Oh, check out my "what about bob" blog to see a story about one of our soldiers fighting to get his Purple Heart.

Can Brains Be Saved?
Medical breakthroughs are bringing new hope to people with traumatic brain injuries


by Lee Woodruff
published: 07/12/2009

September 6, 2008, was a clear-blue Indian summer day in Nebraska. Jennifer Ruth sat in the stands and watched her 12-year-old son, Derek, run with the football. She was unconcerned when he was tackled in a routine play. But as he fumbled the ball, she remembers seeing his right arm drop oddly, almost in slow motion. "He never does that" flickered through her mind. The coach noticed a glazed look on Derek's face in the team huddle. He pulled him aside and asked him for the date, score, and his brothers' names. Derek answered correctly. Then, minutes later, he screamed, "My head," pulled off his helmet, and collapsed.

Derek was taken to a trauma center and went into surgery. After several weeks in the ICU and months of therapy, he is regaining his physical and cognitive abilities. At first, he could only give a thumbs-up or thumbs-down response to questions; now he reads at a sixth-grade level and tackles algebra problems.

A decade ago, Derek's prognosis might not have been hopeful. But thanks to advances in the treatment of traumatic brain injury (TBI), the outlook for patients has dramatically improved. " Research points to the amazing regenerative powers locked in our brains," says Dr. Col. Rocco Armonda, senior Army neurosurgeon at Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington and at Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland. "The proper therapies can help with the unlocking."

Each year, 1.4 million people in our country sustain brain injuries, and 9% will end up with lifelong impairments. Causes of TBI include car accidents, playground accidents, falls by the elderly, and domestic violence. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 3.2 million Americans are living with long-term disabilities from brain injuries. This figure does not include the estimated 320,000 veterans from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan who have TBI, according to the latest statistics.

You may think you don't know anyone with a brain injury, but they're all around you. One could be the person you see lose his temper with the store clerk because sports-induced concussions left him short-fused. Another could be your neighbor who keeps locking her keys in the car or the man who looks healthy but needs a few tries to push a revolving door.

Despite its prevalence, brain injury bears a stigma. To many of the uninitiated, a person with TBI equals "slow" or "retarded."

I used to be one of the uninitiated. Then, in January 2006, my husband, Bob, was injured in Iraq by a roadside bomb while covering the war for ABC News. Hundreds of pieces of rock shrapnel became embedded in his face, neck, and back, and his skull was shattered. Doctors were unsure whether he would ever be able to walk or talk again or regain much mental function. They also told me that if and when he regained consciousness, I could expect that his healing would be largely concluded by the end of two years.

Bob spent 36 long days in a coma. When he woke up, his abilities were severely limited. I watched, devastated, as he could not identify words like "scissors" or "helicopter." But he was determined for the sake of our family to recover, and he devoted himself to rehabilitation. Today, apart from mild aphasia—difficulty in finding the appropriate word to use—he is back as a husband and father and on the air as a journalist at ABC News.

While each injury and recovery is as varied as the patient affected, scientists now know that the healing process in the brain can go on much longer than originally believed. For instance, even three-and-a-half years after the bomb blast, Bob's speech continues to get more fluid.

Innovations in cognitive rehabilitation have played a key role in improving people's outcomes. Twenty years ago, rehab consisted of rote memorization, repetition, and trying to get patients to meet certain benchmarks. "One of the advancements in rehabilitation is to make the therapy person-centered," says Dr. Lori Terryberry-Spohr, brain-injury program manager at Madonna Rehabilitation Hospital in Lincoln, Neb. "We can tailor it to the individual's goals, strengths, hobbies, interests, and occupations."

Colin Smith, 22, is a Marine who was shot in the head in October 2006 by a sniper in Iraq. He lay in a coma for five weeks. When he awoke, he couldn't talk, move his limbs, or track movements with his eyes. But thanks to the rigorous rehab regimen he is undergoing near his hometown in Ohio, he has regained those abilities. As part of therapy, animal-lover Colin walks dogs for a local shelter. This activity helps on many levels: It improves his mobility, uses his sense of direction, and helps him get re-accustomed to working amid the noise and interruptions of normal life.

In order to understand how cognitive rehabilitation works, you need to know how the brain functions. Neurons, or nerve cells, in our brains send impulses to one another to facilitate memory, thought, and speech and enable movement. When the brain is injured, the connections between neurons are temporarily or permanently disconnected or stunned.

One helpful analogy is to think of the brain's neural pathways as highways. A brain injury is like a jackknifed tractor-trailer stopping traffic. With proper medical attention and therapy, the brain repairs itself. Neurons that ran from point A to point B can grow back in different ways and make new roads, and the brain rebuilds new paths to functions like speech and memory. They might not be exactly the same as before, but they're still effective.

"The more sophisticated the function, like complex thought or writing, the longer it takes," Dr. Armonda says. "But over 70% of our patients with the most severe injuries are now approaching functional independence after treatment, and that was unheard-of previously."

The basic principle behind cognitive rehab is for patients to relearn their own abilities and develop specific strategies to make up for injury-related deficits or losses. So, someone who has trouble recalling complicated words may learn to remember them by associating them with something familiar. When Bob can't find the name he is looking for, I've watched in amazement as he quickly runs through the alphabet to trigger the word he wants. Devices like BlackBerrys and cellphones can also be used to compensate for a loss in a person's sense of time or organizational skills.

Cognitive therapy isn't only about improving the so-called executive functions—reading, writing, planning, sequencing. It's also being used to address the changes in personality that sometimes occur with TBI, such as difficulty in emotional control. Dr. Mary Hibbard, professor of rehabilitation medicine at New York University Langone Medical Center, says, "If someone's emotions overwhelm him when confronted with a problem, it reduces his executive-thinking abilities. They're all closely interconnected."

Robin DeVries, a 52-year-old nurse, slipped on the ice in a parking lot three years ago and struck her head. For months, she thought she was "going crazy" with symptoms like severe headaches, insomnia, memory lapses, and vomiting. She wrote checks for incorrect amounts and at times became completely overwhelmed with anger or sadness.

After seeing specialists, Robin was eventually diagnosed with TBI and went through cognitive rehab. She learned coping methods that she can use when she is feeling tearful or angry. "I've taught myself to take a personal time-out," Robin says. "I go for a walk or head into the bathroom. I practice deep-breathing exercises or even do something as simple as count to 10."

A recent analysis of several neurological studies found that early intervention resulted in better outcomes. "As soon as a patient can participate, it is recommended that therapy should begin," Dr. Hibbard says. "This is a critical period when damaged neurons begin to make new connections. And although younger brains have greater ability to regenerate, rehab has been found to be equally effective even for those 55 and older."

In a groundbreaking study released last December, researchers at the Defense and Veterans Brain Injury Center in Washington followed 360 injured veterans in a clinical trial. They found that cognitive treatment that taught people how to think through tasks enhanced their cognitive recovery. It also helped return them to work or school at a higher rate than those whose treatments focused on physically executing the tasks.

Quantifiable physical evidence that cognitive rehab works does not exist, but experts are confident that it soon will. "We now have MRIs that use neuro-imaging to show all kinds of detail in the brain, and these advancements will continue," says Dr. Steve Flanagan, chair of rehabilitation medicine at the Rusk Institute in New York. "Someday we'll be able to see how certain areas of the brain are wired and to map new growth."

Such hard evidence could be a huge help in making cognitive therapy more widely available. No figure exists of how many facilities offer it, because most health-insurance plans do not cover it. Only the state of Texas mandates insurance reimbursement for cognitive rehabilitation following brain injury.

"You'd never have a problem getting insurance to cover a broken bone or injured shoulder, but it is routinely denied for therapies that help brains heal," says Susan H. Connors, president and CEO of the nonprofit Brain Injury Association of America. Her group is working with federal and state lawmakers to raise awareness of TBI and to improve reimbursement for therapy. "Brain injury is often invisible since changes are on the inside," Connors adds. "Because of this, help and awareness are not as widespread as they should be."

Families of people with TBI are often advised that their loved one's recovery will be a " marathon and not a sprint." Derek Ruth's mother sees positive change occur in her son almost daily. Still, it's difficult for her not to have definite answers to him about his future, to be unable to promise him that his life will be back to exactly what it was before his injury.

"Derek works so hard just to make it through one day, tying his shoes and getting dressed," she says. "But brain injury is like no other injury. He can be doing his algebra and the same afternoon be unable to recognize a black spade from a red heart in a card game."

Jen remains optimistic—along with her son's doctors—as she watches his slow but incredible healing progress. "There isn't a day that goes by where I don't believe Derek is going to continue to improve."

---

Lee Woodruff is the author of the recently published essay collection "Perfectly Imperfect: A Life in Progress." To learn more about TBI, visit the Bob Woodruff Foundation at www.remind.org

7/13/09 Monday
It’s been a long but good weekend. We were able to help out some friends with cleaning and clearing stuff out. It always makes us feel good to be able to help. In the process I received a lot of stuff they needed to make disappear including some auto racing stuff made for setting up a dragster. I need to research it to figure out what it is and what it’s worth and then will sell it to raise badly needed funds. There was a small freezer they gave us but unfortunately it doesn’t work. So we picked up a free refrigerator last week and this freezer and neither one works. I learned online that they go bad when they sit unused. The fridge we will turn into another worm bin. Not sure what to do with the freezer. I seriously doubt that having some repair guy come out and look at them will be cost effective. The freezer I can take to a place cause it’s small and not hard to move. Will make some phone calls first.

We finally got the bad news we were expecting from the VA regarding my disability. I was married when we got the first check and the forms they sent out stated we should inform them of any changes in my income. I started getting the oil well royalties when we inherited this place and they knew it because it was reported to the IRS. With this veteran’s pension I’m only allowed to make just so much money and anything over that disqualifies me. So to make a long story short they are disallowing everything they have ever paid me and will require me to pay it all back. One of the reasons stated was that the first check they sent me, one that reflected the accrued amount from the date my application was put in and was twelve thousand dollars, put me over that limit. WHAT? The disability check they sent disqualifies me for the disability payments altogether? Some numb nuts bureaucrat somewhere in a government cubicle must have a tumor in his or her brain or lack any kind of sense at all. So we will be appealing this. One suggestion we got from a friend was to do nothing because the VA doesn’t have any teeth. I can’t take that advice. There are too many other benefits the VA offers that I don’t want to be jeopardized, besides ignoring things doesn’t make them go away and my experience tells me things ignored become worse.

Every day is catch up day around here and I never catch up. I work as hard as I can when I can but I can’t work hard enough to do everything that needs doing. That’s just the way it is. The pain pills help me keep pushing past the hurt but I always pay when they wear off. I was telling my friend all about our dreams and my vision for this place but like I said to him “It takes money to make money”. I’ll get there, or at least get somewhere eventually because I won’t quit no matter how discouraged I get. So time’s awastin folks. Every minute I sit in front of this laptop is time I should spend working. See ya.
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It’s 12:24 now. Came in to get out of the heat and rest up. Been hoeing weeds, mostly around the blackeyed peas, all morning. I’m a little slow and had a hard time deciding what to do so did this. It’s simple work and needed to be done. Still haven’t finished, been working on it off and on for three days. My hands get to where it’s hard to hold the hoe so I must quit. Have three more rows to do. There are a ton of peas that Must be picked so I’ll focus on that. Cherie often goes out to pick them in the evening when it cools off but between our schedules and how tired she’s been it hasn’t happened much.

Cherie has a bunch of bite marks on her that we think are from the ticks that have become such a problem. That’s not good as they are a source of lime disease and probably a bunch of other ones. So that battle continues. We will have to bite the bullet and buy some of that expensive “Frontline” stuff because it works well. I sprayed the bedroom down this morning, we changed all the sheets, and Cherie ran the vacuum to suck up all the ticks she could find. After she swept she saw ticks crawling out from the baseboards. I went out to pet Ben at four this morning when he had a nightmare or panic attack and evidently picked up a tick from him when I did. Sure wish I could give Ben a wash with the tick shampoo but can’t with his leg and open wound.

Today I’ll go in about the traffic ticket. Going to plead not guilty but will submit a statement to the judge. Doubt it will do any good and don’t have a lot of hope going to court will make a difference but refuse to plead guilty or no contest to something I didn’t do. From what the ticket said they will set a court date later. This is so not fun.

I’ll make a quick sandwich and lay down for an hour before I go in. Then, despite the heat, I must get back to work on the farm. No waiting till it cools off at six thirty or seven.

The cantaloupe and honeydew rows I've been hoeing for two days.
It’s 2:30 now. As much as I hate to quit working I had to come in. I’m sure it’s hit a hundred degrees out there. Coming in is just a smart thing to do. I probably play with heat stroke all the time and that’s not too bright. Finally finished hoeing the weeds where the cantaloupe and honeydew are. Been working on it since yesterday when I pretty much spent the whole day on it. This morning I worked on the flower beds, trimming back the morning glory vines where they’ve overgrown the rose bushes. I also installed some more drip irrigation, replaced some that wasn’t working well, and planted some flower seeds we collected from what we grew last year. I think they are called Hollyhocks. Can’t remember what they looked like but I remember we thought they were beautiful. The cantaloupe and honeydew are making melons now. Everything’s recovered from the insecticide soap disaster, everything that didn’t die that is. The blackeyed peas are doing well. Not sure about the corn. It’s making ears but there’s no telling what the corn worms have done to it. I sprayed it for the first time the other day. Should have sprayed it earlier but haven’t been able to juggle that in with so much to do. I talked to a friend that I had been worrying about, worrying that I had offended them. As usual my fears are unfounded but it was a relief to know.

Blackeyed peas

Today is a poop scoop day so I’ll be running in to Midland. Can’t think of other things to do while in town, at least not right now. I need to deal with that speeding ticket but not today. Should go visit my friend Don. I’ll play that by ear. Depends on how I feel. Should be somewhat refreshed because I’ll be taking my nap in a few minutes, maybe. I want to start writing the business plan again. Have to start over because everything is locked on the hard drive of my laptop, which is in pieces now. It’s all backed up on the Seagate external hard drive but I can’t figure out how to access it. Tried for hours but it’s smarter than me. If any of you guys know how, send me an email. bobcarver2@yahoo.com There’s a ton of stuff on it, everything from my laptop was backed up on it.

I think I’ll have to lay down before I start on the business plan. Got blisters on my hand from using that hoe non stop for two days. Feels like there’s one on my right foot but can’t be sure till I look. That’s the foot that is numb from the paralysis. I can still feel things but not very well.

Yeah, now that I’ve come in and sat down the tiredness is coming on hard. As long as I was up and working I was fine but it won’t take long for me to fall asleep. See ya.

7/10/09 Friday
I am enduring one of those bouts of paranoia. It’s not the kind where you think someone is spying on you or anything like that, it’s the kind I go through almost every day. I’ve written about it many times. I write to talk about what my life is like, to bare my inner thoughts and fears, and also with the hope of gaining understanding. What I worry about is what I say and how it’s received. I know some will think I’m making excuses for bad behavior. I didn’t want to be declared disabled, didn’t ask for that, but the VA made that assessment when I was receiving care when I was homeless.

One of the reasons they declared me disabled is a common problem with TBI, that’s labeled as “inappropriate behavior” along with a lack of social skills. I say things and wish I didn’t. Sometimes I realize it was wrong and sometimes I don’t have a clue. When someone bought me a brand new set of cordless tools I said something about them being the size a woman would use, not the kind needed on a farm. As soon as I said that I wished I could take it back. It’s a form of extreme honesty that isn’t appropriate at all, but these things keep coming out of my mouth. Often I just don’t understand or wrongly interpret what was said. The bible says “to the pure all things are pure” so I must think that to the rest of us we see the “impurity” in things. And I probably see things that aren’t there. I fear that people keep away from me because of this and am sure that others sense how uncomfortable I am and thus are uncomfortable as well. This is a reason I isolate so much. When others are talking I’ll walk a few steps away because I don’t want to be in the way and presume that’s how they want it. At a friends place recently he went inside his house. I just sat down on the lawn and didn’t follow. I wonder if that bothered him. I just didn’t know if he wanted me to or not. I did come in when he offered me a drink of water.

How I hate this insecurity. I don’t want to be like this but can’t help it. If I can be around someone a lot I can become comfortable but I’m not around anyone a lot except Cherie. It takes time and time is what people have the least to spare.

7/9/09 Thursday
I lost at least four hours due to the seizure yesterday. Was able to get back out to work at about 8:00. Worked till it was dark as I usually do. I’m not too speedy this morning either, about a six on the bob scale. The fact that the bob scale is back in use indicates a resurgence of problems. Perhaps that pendulum has swung the other way, where I have lots of slowdowns for a period. Seems that way. Hope it swings back to where I’m sharp soon. The headaches have been coming a lot for…I don’t know, weeks? Can’t remember.

Cherie’s laptop has been running real slow online the last couple of days. This is always scary, especially because it’s the last computer we have running. Her tower is ancient by computer standards, I’m guessing six years old. The fan doesn’t work so we don’t turn it on. I picked up three computers thrown out at the landfill to see if they had a good fan but, like everything else, I never got a round to it. And of course my laptop is taken apart in a box waiting for the new motherboard we can’t quite afford yet. I ran the spyware a few times but it hasn’t found anything. Cherie suspects someone is tapping into our wi-fi again and thus using up our allotted amount of time for the satellite service we use to go online. When that happens the satellite dramatically slows down the speed. Either that or there is a virus that bogs everything down by sending tons of information out and in that the Spysweeper can’t find. I’m on Microsoft’s website to see if they have any answers. The problem is I can’t connect well and the site doesn’t come all of the way up.

Finally got the site up and am trying to download a “scanner” program Microsoft has but it’s failed to load a couple of times now. I had Cherie set the alarm early so I could get out by the time the sun came up. I wanted to do this so I can spray the organic insecticide. You should do this before the plant leaves get warm and while everything is still cool. Got that done and also sprayed Roundup on weeds while I had the backpack sprayer out so came in to grab something to drink. Figured I’d check the blog and email real quick and get back out before it hit a hundred plus degrees again. Now I’m stuck here trying to get it working right. Hate giving up any time at all when there is so much to do but it’s vital to insure this computer doesn’t go down.

It’s still downloading the scanner program. Seems like it’s been doing that for a half hour now. So while I’m waiting I’ll write. I always worry that I’ve offended someone or that I gave them a wrong impression. Recent conversations are on my mind, always. “What did I say? What do they think of me?” are the questions I ask. I interpret what people say wrong and don’t say things the way I want. I guess that’s “Reverse interpretation” where the words I use don’t match the intended message. Add to that the fact I’m seldom clear on what was said, that I can remember portions or only remember we talked but not what we talked about. So I worry.

This frickin laptop is still downloading. I’ve been in since about ten and it’s 11:00 now. I’d love to go post on my blog or look at other’s blogs but any activity will further bog down this download. I think I’ll go fix a sandwich. At least I won’t be wasting time that way and will have an early lunch. Just sitting here waiting is driving me crazy.

It’s 11:30. I fixed and ate my sandwich and this damn thing is still downloading. Driving me nuts. I’ve got things to do. Hell with it, I shut it down. An hour and a half and still going? Something ain’t right.
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I finally got the Microsoft scanner thing downloaded and ran it. Took three hours for it to scan the whole computer. Found that koobface Trojan hidden in the “restore” part of the computer. It’s probably the same one we had before, just tucked away out of sight waiting for the restore function to be used. Hope it’s gone for good now. The scanner program found some six hundred and fifty plus registrations that were no longer valid. Not clear on what they are but it cleaned that out too. Then it defragged the hard drive. Should help this laptop work better.

I’m wondering if all this heat is the reason I’ve had so many slowdowns and headaches. I work hard which means I sweat a lot. That depletes the body of electrolytes, which are vital for brain function and the whole nervous system. Plus I think they are important for your muscles to work but am not clear on that. If it is the reason there’s not much I can do about it. I’m not going to quit working and damn sure ain’t gonna just lie around in front of the air conditioner. This headache (yeah, I got another one) is killing me so I will relax for a bit. I won’t quit working but do take care of myself. I drink a lot of fluids and come in when I get unsteady or hurt too much, or just real tired.

2:30 – It’s certainly hot. I had to come in and grab a drink and lay down in front of the fan. Got some stuff done. Moved the refrigerator worm bin out to where the compost bins are now. Used the tractor to drag it out. I’m having another slow down coming, the kind that comes with that strange light headed feeling that is so hard to describe. Everything skews a bit. Ringing ears, sounds are loud, not really loud but I hear all the little buzzes and things that aren’t usually noticed. It’s…can’t remember what I was going to say. Hope this won’t be a bad one.

Last night PBS had a program about Jason Crigler, a highly talented and acclaimed young guitarist who had a near fatal brain hemorrhage. I had gotten notification about it from one of the organizations for brain injuries I’m involved with but forgot. It’s getting pretty hard to write now because of the seizure but I want to do this.

A link to the program is http://www.pbs.org/pov/lifesupportmusic/index.php

Please go look at this. It will give you a good idea of what I’ve been through. Like Jason I had to be taught how to walk and talk. Like Jason the hospital tried to have me institutionalized because they said I would be a vegetable the rest of my life. Because the VA facility in Florida had no beds and no place could be found in Oklahoma for me they were going to escort me out of the hospital and probably dump me at Salvation Army. They guilt tripped my brother into picking me up. He didn’t have a clue how to care for me. But watch this if you could. And then tell me what you think.

It’s a bad slowdown. I’m having a hard time walking. That’s because my ability to operate the partially paralyzed right side is hindered. Hell, everything is hindered. Got a headache too. Damn it, I’ve got things to do. This sucks. Oh yeah, time to tell myself this is the price of being alive, I’m lucky to be here, but that doesn’t make me less frustrated. But I’m grateful for how good I’m doing compared to where I could be. That’s a reason to watch the documentary.

7/8/09 Wednesday
It’s going to be 104 degrees today. And tomorrow, and a hundred plus Friday. The weeds are growing like crazy now that it rained. Yesterday I took Ben to the vet but his leg hasn’t healed enough to have the pin removed so we take him back in two weeks. I spent a good part of the day running back and forth between Midland and the farm, consistently buying the wrong parts for the tractor and tiller, returning them and exchanging for more wrong parts. Plus I went to a few locations looking for a particular gasket for the tiller that everyone seems to be out of. In frustration I bought an $11.00 roll of gasket material so I can cut out the two dollar gasket I need. Have to get the tiller running, it’s holding things up. The tractor parts are pins and a stabilizer arm for the three point hitch so I can hook up to the old man’s disc without borrowing his parts. Besides, I need these things to hook up to anything else I might get or be able to use. The stabilizer arm doesn’t seem to fit right but I really don’t know what I’m doing. I’ll be taking the hitch pins back to exchange for shorter ones. When I put them in place I could see they are twice as long as I need…I think.

At some point I must go to the courthouse and learn how to approach this ticket. Sure wish I could afford a lawyer just to give some advice. We know a lawyer who’s part of our Sunday school class but I’m not comfortable asking for free advice. I’m sure she gets hit up all the time and knowing she’s busy and all it just doesn’t seem right. This goes back to my not wanting to be viewed as a bum leaching off others. I’ve got a statement written for the judge but don’t know if I should drop it off, go to court, or what. They will tell me I’m sure when I go to the courthouse. There’s a form where you can opt to take a driving class, for over a hundred dollars, and one of the tickets will be dropped. It just grates to have to pay for something I didn’t do. Really goes against my sense of integrity, living by principles, and that justice should be just.

I poop scooped and did my laundry. Doing my laundry helps Cherie out a lot. Today my focus is to get the tiller running but there are a ton of other things that need to be done. The blackeyed peas are doing great and we must pick them at least every other day.

I had a bad slowdown yesterday evening, one that was a definite partial seizure. Fortunately it didn’t last long and surprisingly didn’t totally drain me. There was still two hours of daylight left so it robbed me of working that.

Cherie had a hard day at work so I took her out to eat. That’s not on the budget but it helped her relax. Gotta beat the heat so bye.

7/6/09 Monday

You should read Saturday and Sunday's posts as the kind of go together. Start with Saturday and then read Sunday to put my thoughts in order.

We had some good hard rain yesterday, or Saturday. Maybe both days, I can’t remember for sure. I do know that I left the water on the blackeyed peas for at least a day and night and perhaps two days. This on top of some hard rain. We picked our first blackeyed peas Saturday. I hope I didn’t drown them out. They are predicting a run of hundred plus degree days starting Wednesday with Thursday at 105. Now that the ground is moist and soft there is much I should do to take advantage of that.


Yesterday I put trellis all around the veranda. There’s a lot more I must do to finish the job. For now it’s just tacked up there. One of those strong West Texas winds will tear it down. So much to do and so little time. It always gets dark before I want it to. The Morning Glory vines will quickly cover this. It put a big smile on Cherie’s face, one of the biggest pleasures and goals of my life.

Tomorrow I take Ben to the vet to hopefully get the pin removed from his leg. The tick wars are not going good. I spray and pick them off of Ben but they always are there. We’ve sprayed his sleep area and bedding. Cherie woke up with a tick on her arm the other night. We’ve given Rascal and Trixie a couple of baths with tick and flea shampoo but still find ticks on them. Gretchen we just can’t do. She’s too afraid of everything and too big to hold down. I managed to spray her a bit before she ran off. The Bio-Spot stuff seems worthless. Frontline is a good product but out of our budget right now.

Got to work. I found another rattlesnake yesterday but couldn’t get to it. It’s under one of the piles of lumber I have, one of the piles I intend to move and place on a raised platform. Right now it’s covered with now wet sand like everything else is. That’s the purpose of the raised platform. But with the wood on, and now, due to the build up of windblown sand, in the ground it will rot easily. Just something else to do that I can’t get to. So the snake was there but there is no telling where it is today.

I had Cherie get the gun she bought for protection out so I could use it on the snake if needed. First I wanted to train her how to use it. I’d been meaning to do that ever since she got it but, like everything else, didn’t get around to it. So I carefully explained to her the proper way to hold it, to always keep it pointed to the ground or up in the air, to be careful to never point it at someone even by accident. I showed her how to aim it and explained that her finger should never be on the trigger till she was going to fire it. I fired the first round so she would have an idea of what to expect. Then I handed the gun to her and instructed her to fire at the ground. It didn’t work, just sat there, no click or anything. Taking the gun I found that the spent shell had never ejected. It jammed when I pulled the slide back so I had to pry the empty shell casing out and get another round in the chamber. Handing it to her again she aimed and fired. It worked but the shell casing again jammed. Nuts!! This happened the next three times I fired it. We bought a $400.00 piece of brand new junk. Cherie had forgotten to mail in the warranty card so we’re screwed. At least it’s good for one shot and perhaps to scare off any would be threat.

Got work to do so bye.
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One of the used tires I bought last week started going bad Saturday. I was heading to Midland to help a friend when it felt like the tire was out of balance and it began bouncing. Actually, when I think about it this happened Friday because I had Cherie drop me off at the friend’s on Saturday because of the bad tire. That’s how this memory can get things confused. So long story short the tread was coming off the tire. I took it in to where I got it this morning. Fortunately they had a used tire of the correct size so I had them put it on. The policy here is simply that there are no guarantees on used tires so I figured I’d have to pay for this second one. When I asked for a $5.00 break because the other tire only lasted a week he told me to not worry about it, just consider it even. This saved us twenty five bucks. For some of you $25.00 isn’t much but for us it’s a whole lot, especially when we’ve got a vet bill coming up tomorrow when we take Ben in. This is how it seems to often work out for us and we are always grateful at how God provides. Like the sparrows of the field who don’t worry about their next meal I don’t worry about our needs either. It just happens as long as I don’t get my hands in things and mess them up.

I took our trash to the landfill and did some stuff with the seeds we are starting for fall planting but then got one of those monster headaches that put me down. Took a couple of aspirin and laid down for two hours. I still have the headache but it’s tolerable now so am fixing to head out and get something done. As always it’s a tough decision regarding which of the many things I need to do I will do. No matter what something gets neglected. I will call the old man and see if I can use his disc tomorrow while the ground is still wet. Today I think I’ll take the carb off the tiller and clean the sand out again so I can use it. At some point I want to build some simple platforms to put lumber on so I can move it out of the sand and perhaps find that rattlesnake. Then there are T-frames to build for trellises and beds to prepare for fall planting, which begins this month. Plus I want to plant the hay around the apple tree area and side yard. This I can till under after mowing to enhance the soil.

Time to go.

7/5/09 Sunday
I woke up with the thoughts about friendship still on my mind. These thoughts are evolving as I ponder them, delve deeper into the concept of friendship. A lot of this depends on what your definition of a friend is. Back in the day I would espouse on what I thought about that. “There are acquaintances, friends, and brothers” I would say and explain. Acquaintances are people you know but don’t necessarily trust, those you hang out with but couldn’t depend on when in need. Friends are the ones who would go out of their way for you and wouldn’t stab you in the back. Brothers are the ones who would stand back to back with you with guns and knives drawn, willing to put their life on the line with you. There is a depth of connection there that exceeds everything else. It is the comradeship that you find with our veterans of war, those who knew their life was in the hands of the other and theirs in yours.

This I had but it wasn’t in Vietnam because I fixed B-52’s and never got shot at. It was during the biker days when there were gun battles and fights in bars and those who were more than willing to kill. When I said I never had friends it wasn’t really accurate. I did but they were in the bars and on the streets. Some of them were the ones who responded when ABC ran their “Toledo’s John Doe” program on me. I used to explain that I had friends but couldn’t remember who they were. And I did. They helped get me off the street when I was wandering homeless with my severely damaged mind and amnesia. I guess this further illustrates the confusion I often live with, that as I think things through I realize an error or twist in my thinking.

But these were friends by common habits. If I stopped drinking they would stop hanging around. Adding to the equation is the fair weather aspect. They all would tell you that they would be there but when an acid test of adversity came it would show their true colors. Only then would you know for sure.

So this is a concept I struggle with as I try to determine how I believe. On the other hand is the Christian arena. Here you find a whole system of morality that is different from the other world I lived in. When I was a pastor, in the ministry, I served others. There I found a true friend, Ron Charles. We talked long into the night about life and personal thoughts and issues. We trusted each other enough to reveal deep things of the soul. Ron is still a friend but the divorce from Cherie back in 85 and my subsequent fall from the faith put a separation between us and we lost all touch. Now he travels the world as a minister of the gospel so there is no time to get close again.

What it boils down to is trust, and it’s hard for me to trust after the life I lived. Plus I can’t trust myself to not say the wrong things so am always worried I have offended someone. Part of that is because I often do. Saying the wrong thing and not comprehending it’s wrong is a common problem with TBI. This is why it’s good for people to talk to me, to explain when I offend them. Here is where I depend on Christians to be Christian, to forgive and understand. Because of all this I try to explain things and this is what I wanted to convey when I talked to my friend Saturday. I suspect I do more harm than good.

One of the things I need to realize is that not everyone can be your friend, at least not on the close personal level. That requires a lot of time to develop and time is the thing folks often have the least to spare.

7/4/09 Saturday
I talked to a friend today. I think he’s a friend, actually I’m sure he is but I’m not sure what a friend is. I’ve never had many and the ones I thought I had disappeared when the chips were down. I tried to explain to him how it is with a brain injury, as I try to do too often. This stems from my uncertainty of how people view me, the paranoia that is a constant erosion of my self confidence. I don’t know if I made things worse or better, I don’t know if I made sense, I don’t know if he understands or thinks I’m a nut. I just don’t know much for sure. Oh I covered a lot, how I take statements literally and don’t comprehend subtleties. How I don’t get jokes. How I say things that latter I understand I shouldn’t have. How uncomfortable I am in social situations. How I am learning how to be a friend and friendly. I explained that I’m a whole lot better than I used to me. I didn’t explain that I fear others think I’m stupid because of the brain injury, that they discount my words as those of a rambling fool and just ignore them. That my opinions carry no weight.

I was going to explain that I’ve had these problems long before the brain injury, or the most recent brain injury I should say. I’ve had them since childhood, all my life. It’s part of the Asperger’s syndrome, of being a high functioning autistic. It just got worse with the TBI and I’ve been relearning my social skills ever since I woke up. I was going to say that but never did. I don’t know if I did good or bad with the conversation. I’ve only talked to him a few times in the two years I’ve known him and seldom in any depth. He’s a good man for sure. But I really don’t know him, not like you do with someone you’ve been around for years and done a lot with. I don’t know anyone like that and never have, except Eileen, who was my secretary and friend for twelve years. But she’s dead now. So I’m uncertain. About the only thing I’m certain about is Cherie, that we love each other no matter what and that we understand each other deeply. We provide stability for each other, supporting and holding up us both so that together we have strength and can overcome all that comes against us.

I am so glad that we can now get PBS on occasion, usually at night. It provides a breath of fresh air compared to the fare available on the other two stations we can get. I take that back, there’s a third station that is a blessing. That is GLC “God’s Learning Channel”. It’s just nice to find something that has a purity to it, something that is not full of who killed who and how they did it, or who is unfaithful or whoring around. Sex and violence, the fare the rest of the nation seems to feed on. Today the program was on “A Prairie Home Companion” a radio show that isn’t dirty or suggestive. It has a purity I enjoy and a simpleness that is refreshing. We have found two PBS radio stations as well. Can’t always get them in but it’s nice to listen to orchestra music and things with a level of intelligence that doesn’t seem to exist anywhere else. The bible says “Whatever is pure, whatever is holy, whatever is just, think on these things”. I’ve seen so much of the world, so much that is evil and unjust, that I don’t want to see any more of it. You are what you feed on. It permeates your soul and corrupts. I’m tired of it. Been there and don’t want to go back. So I choose that which lifts me up, I need it. Don’t get me wrong now, I still watch the other stuff and get caught up in some mysteries and CSI shows, but it’s nice to find an alternative. I really don’t watch much TV at all now.

I’m tired. Good night. Will probably read this tomorrow and wonder why I wrote it.

7/3/09 Friday


I found another rattlesnake in the corn. This one was a little bigger than the other. I was going through the rows pulling weeds and putting out fertilizer, bent over with my head below the tops of the corn. Just as I reached to grab a weed I saw it. The snake was all curled up and not moving. That’s the way they hunt, sitting still waiting for a gopher or whatever to come wandering by. My hand was only about twenty four inches away and heading in it’s direction when I noticed it. So I backed out carefully and got my hoe and finished the critter off. This tells me that the corn is a good place for them to find gophers and rats. Still I hate to kill them but that’s how it has to be.



Here's the "after" part of a before and after picture. The before is the first picture on yesterday's post.

I hurt pretty bad this morning. Had a hard time setting up from bed. A lot of that has to do with pulling so many big honker weeds yesterday. Some of them had roots as big around as my wrist and took a lot of effort to get out of the ground. I’ve been having an increasing amount of pain in the joints of my fingers over the past few months. They are swelling and it’s hard to close my hands all the way. It sounds like arthritis. My grandmother had arthritis pretty bad. Through my life these hands have been through a lot so I’m sure that contributes to it. Hell, there was a time I could break two by fours with my fist. You can be sure that didn’t help. We’re going to buy some stuff called glucosamine at the health store and I’ll start taking it regular. It’s supposed to help the joints a lot. Suppose I should go online and research it, looking for ways to slow down any decay or whatever it is. I plan on working these hands hard for as long as I can. They get weak easy also and holding the hoe gets hard.




I fired up the tractor and used it to pull the Yucca plants up. That’s a lot easier than spending hours digging like I was doing. I soaked the ground real good to help them pull up. Don’t know if they’ll survive transplanting but I’ll give it a try. I’ve been weeding the corn patch till I ran into the snake so switched to landscaping stuff. There’s just so much to do that no matter what I’m working on something is neglected. Hard to believe it’s already 2:00 now. It’s a poop scooping day so I have to go into Midland. Janie told Cherie she would like some help from both of us but we don’t have a clue when that would be. Cherie just went in to do some laundry. I’ll wash some of my work clothes later today too when I go to poop scoop.

That’s it for now. I should take my nap but have too much to do. As long as I stay busy I’m fine but when I sit at this computer or lay down it catches up to me quick. Whenever I lay down my whole body stiffens up so I walk like an old man when I get up till things loosen up. I think I’ll take some aspirin and see if it helps the fingers.

7/2/09 Thursday
I called Cherie and had her get the tick shampoo and spray. Worked last night till 9:30, when it was too dark to see. I usually work this late anymore and am always wishing there were more hours of daylight. I work as hard as I can when I can but can’t keep up. This is probably the source of depression. I was out at 7:30 this morning pulling weeds and cutting them down with the hoe. With the recent rain it’s overwhelming and fills me with a sense of futility.












Areas I had cleared with the front end loader are now seas of two inch high weeds. This goes for where I tilled garden plots, plots I have yet to plant, and the rest of the five acres I disced under with the disc I borrowed from the old man. That part I can disc under again if I can borrow the disc again. Hate borrowing stuff. Makes me feel like a bum.








The rest has to be done by hand. I used the hoe till it was hard to hold last night. Sure felt it in my muscles this morning but will do it again. As much as I hate to I will have to use Roundup to spray weeds around the house. They are in every hard to reach nook and cranny so doing it by hand isn’t feasible. The sticker grass is making stickers/seeds all over the place. That means every plant will produce a hundred more, which will produce a hundred thousand more. It’s hard. If I can ever get a handle on it I can keep up, but that’s probably a pipe dream.








I read the ticket and it looks like it will cost us $288.00. Wrote a letter to the judge but don’t have a lot of hope or faith in the justice system. Mercy and compassion are not something I’ve seen in the courts, just the letter of the law and “pay up”. If I’d been speeding that’s one thing, I’d take responsibility. But to pay that much when I wasn’t is another thing. Seems like we’re being hit left and right with expenses we couldn’t plan for.





These last two pictures show where I'm trying to "solarize" the soil where we hope to grow a lawn. I've scrounged up bits of plastic and old carpet to do so. Plus this is an old pool cover we got from Wally when I saw he was throwing it away. There's just too much weed seed in the soil so any grass that starts can't compete. My hope is that I can kill/sterilize the soil so grass has a chance. Unfortunately I don't have enough to cover everything. As always, I do the best I can with what I've got.

So it’s hard to “Keep my chin up” and not get depressed. It isn’t any easier for Cherie either. Then there is the anger. What someone said to me a couple of weeks ago still grinds. If anyone thinks I write this stuff to make someone feel sorry for me you can… Nuff said.

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Here’s another reason to keep the weeds down. I was using the hoe around the corn when I heard the tell tell sound of a rattlesnake. He was hard to see in the weeds and corn and it took a lot for me to get the critter out where I could kill it. Chopped down a few corn plants in the process. I really hate to kill them. Rattlesnakes are good because they feed on the gophers that do so much damage around here. But I have my dogs and wife to think about. Contrary to popular belief Rattlesnake bites seldom kill. If one happened to inject it’s venom directly into a vein you would have a problem. Otherwise you get pretty sick. They can kill dogs but not all the time. No matter what they aren’t good to have around the house so he’s dead. In this picture his head is almost chopped all the way off but he’s still moving and shaking his rattle.

7/1/09 Wednesday
It’s a cool (relatively) foggy morning. That means the humidity will be high so the ninety six or so temperature that’s forecast will feel like a hundred plus. Just a note to follow up on yesterday’s short post. Statistically those of us who have sustained traumatic brain injuries face a much higher likelihood of developing Alzheimer’s, especially those who endured multiple injuries. That’s one of the reason’s I take so many pictures and a reason why I’m saving the corrupted hard drive. There are something like ten thousand pictures on it. Eventually we will have the seven hundred or so dollars it will take for a lab to recover them.

Yesterday I did a lot of work around the house and because of that didn’t do much for the garden. Weeds have been growing wild everywhere, especially where we planted the buffalo grass, and just had to be dealt with. The buffalo grass was a bad idea because I learned it doesn’t do well in sandy soil. Sand is primarily what our soil is. I guess we will try Bermuda.

I’m going to try and “solarize” part of the lawn. This is where you spread out plastic and let the sun heat up the dirt underneath. Any weeds that sprout will quickly die and the temperatures should reach upwards of a 130 degrees, which will kill most of the seeds, thus we basically sterilize the soil. This way there will be a clean slate when we plant grass seed. I was going to email our friend who is big time in the oil business and ask her about what they do with the plastic that’s used to line the catch basins dug when they drill oil wells. I see it everywhere, just sitting and rotting after the well is done, and wonder if I could salvage it to use solarizing large garden plots. That would be a big help on fighting weeds.

I only have a small amount of plastic so will plant hay in the areas I can’t solarize. At least that will help cover the soil so it won’t blow away and fight the weeds some. None of the six or seven hundred pounds of rye I planted earlier this year made it because of the drought. I’ve got one fifty pound bag of hay seed that I bought with the rye sitting around so I can use that. Between Ben’s vet bills, Cherie’s fuel pump and air conditioner, and other things like registration for both trucks and losing my disability benefits, our budget is too tight to buy anything but essentials. A friend said something about “Keep giving us money” a few weeks ago. That really hurt and bothered me. They helped us buy a piece of equipment for the farm and that’s all I can think of that they did, though I can’t rely on my memory. This is something we fear, that others will judge us or feel we are a burden, or worse. I won’t take a dime from them now. I’ll keep giving and helping folks as best I can. That’s my heart. Anymore I’m afraid to talk about our needs or how tight things get because someone might interpret that as a manipulation to get money. I did ask for help with Ben’s vet bill but I was open and honest about it, no guile involved. But this is a journal of our life, the hard and good parts, just like everyone else has. What an internal conflict this is for me.

Today will be busy like every day is, as long as I’m able to work. I plan on finishing digging up the yucca plants that are growing in the middle of garden plots and transplanting them out front as part of the rock garden landscaping. They have roots like tree trunks that I haven’t found the bottom of. I end up breaking the roots off in order to get them out of the ground. I think I’ll tie a chain around them and use the front end loader to pull them up. I spend days digging around them and don’t have the time to spare. Don’t have a clue if they will survive being transplanted. If they don’t I’ll just pull them up, at least they will have been removed from being in the way.

We have to get some tick medicine. There are ticks on all the dogs. I put stuff called “Bio spot” on them but it doesn’t seem to do any good. There’s a product called “Frontline” that works well but it costs a ton of money. To get enough for all four dogs will be nearly a hundred dollars. I think I’ll try giving them a bath with some of the shampoo that’s supposed to kill the ticks. The problem is that we can’t give Ben a bath with his open wound. He had seven or eight ticks under one armpit that I found last night. I couldn’t get them all because it seemed to hurt Ben so sprayed some Raid on them in frustration. That’s not good.

Got to get out before it gets hot. I just found a tick on me. Just great. Bye.
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It’s 11:00 now. Depression came over me like a wave earlier. It’s so strange how fast this happened. But I’m slow also so the two might be related. It just makes it hard to motivate. I’m only pulling weeds and focusing on the yard. Did manage to put some plastic down. Everything requires a force of will to do, to constantly make the decision to keep pushing ahead despite thinking “why bother, I’ll never get anywhere. Why dream, why have ambition to accomplish anything. I’ll just fail anyway”. That plus the constant thoughts about what people think of me, how they judge me, makes it hard to keep going. I know this will pass. It always does, but it’s hard. I thought about running into Stanton to get a hamburger at the drug store but have no desire to be around people. Would rather hide here.
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3:25 – It’s hot, too hot. I had to come in. At least the depression has subsided. Left as quick as it came. Doing work outside is probably out till around seven tonight, when it starts cooling off. I seem to be weaker than normal. Still a little slow. Lately the headaches have been there every day. This is new. I have one now. I’m probably more than just a little slow. Can tell by how short sentences are. Guessing at a four of five on the bob scale. I washed dishes. Need to go into Midland and get tick stuff. Probably not a good idea. It would be hard for me when like this. I can go check mail, not a lot of stress there. This sucks.

6/30/09 Tuesday
We got some rain. Not a whole lot but every little bit helps. Just saw a story on Nightline about Alzheimer’s that struck a chord. Many of the problems they have are the same kinds I deal with, like getting confused, forgetting what you’re doing, and hearing all the sounds around you without the filters most people have. I’m so glad that I’ve improved over the years but four years ago it was real hard to function. It’s still hard now but I have more times of clarity.

It was a lot cooler so I got some work done. Took Gretchen to the animal hospital to get fixed. Ben is doing ok but we worry about him. The place where the pin sticks out of his leg has become a hole big enough to put quarters in. He goes to the vet next Tuesday to get it removed. Poor guy wants to play in the worst way.

I’m tired and it’s late so that’s all for now.

6/29/09 Monday
Ok, what has happened since I last posted? I helped the old man load and move stuff Friday morning. Then I came home and worked on the farm till…I can’t remember but it was until I had to go to Midland. I poop scooped and think I went to Mrs. G’s but can’t remember for sure. Yes I did, I remember now because her lawn mower wouldn’t start so I took it home to fix. Then I worked again on the farm. Don’t remember what I did but know I wore myself out doing it.

Saturday Cherie and I both went to Mrs. G’s. She visited with her while I mowed her lawn with the lawnmower I fixed and did some other work around the house. They immensely enjoyed each other and never ran out of things to talk about.

Sunday we went to church. After I asked for help loading an old refrigerator that Mrs. G was throwing out and met the guys at her place. It wasn’t easy to load but we managed. The fridge doesn’t work but I hope to fix it. If I can it will be nice to store the seeds and organic stuff we use. We had put our old one out there when J and S bought us a new one. Unfortunately it stopped working. It will end up in the back where I will convert it to another worm raising bin.


Getting the fridge unloaded was a challenge. I created this ramp to do the job with. Unfortunately the tires on my dolly were too wide so I had to walk it down by hand, rocking it slowly inch by inch. Then I went back to work. At some point I let Cherie know that I was experiencing the strange symptoms that often precede a slowdown/seizure. My ear rings and sounds become oddly clear with little ones, like a bug flying somewhere, stand out in front. Plus my balance and coordination are off. Sure enough one came after that. It was pretty bad so I wandered around lost, forgetting what I was doing as I did it. But I persevered, kept working, focusing on one task to help not get distracted. This lasted a few hours and after that I was drained, done for the day.


When I downloaded pictures, just now, I saw this one. Evidently the wind blew this big metal thing you see at many oil wells down. It’s the well just across the highway from us. What a mess this is. Quite an oil spill. I’m glad Gretchen and Ben don’t wander off like they used to cause it would be not good for them to get in this stuff. I thought of getting some of this crude oil in a jar and sending it to friends so they could see what their gasoline and oil came from. But I don’t want to mess with it so that’s that.

I just got back from the VA. We had dropped Cherie’s truck off at John’s Automotive in the morning to get the air conditioner fixed and I took her to work. Then I went to Big Spring to find out why they didn’t send my seizure medicine. They had ordered it but the computer showed they never printed a label so it wasn’t processed. Big mistake on their part. Having a major seizure, like I had back in Toledo four years ago, would be incredibly dangerous if I was driving. I made sure to tell them that. They apologized profusely. Problem fixed.

On the way home John’s Auto called. When he told me $760.00 to fix the air conditioning I just about choked. There’s a switch that doesn’t work and a hose that leaks. The switch is Three hundred thirty something dollars and the hose a similar amount. I told him to just replace the switch. If the hose doesn’t leak bad I will just keep recharging the air conditioner. A can of refrigerant only costs twenty something dollars and I can refill it by myself. If it leaks bad we can save up the money to replace the hose.

I’m tired again, falling asleep at the computer. It’s always so frustrating to get so tired. This time I filled the screen up with K’s as that finger was on the keyboard. Both the dogs come in to the office when I’m on the computer and lay at my feet. This always touches me. Such great dogs. It’s only 11:13 and there is much to do but I think I’ll need to take a short nap. Didn’t get much sleep last night. The night before I didn’t fall asleep till after three in the morning. Hopefully an hour nap will refresh me so I can get my butt to work. They usually do.
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It’s so frustrating to be me. I woke up at 1:45, or maybe I should just say got up as it really wasn’t what you would call sleep. I could hear thunder outside. “Great” I thought, “We might get rain”. Putting my hat on I went out. As soon as I stepped out I really became aware of the headache. Oh I hurt while still laying in bed but walking into the light just stabbed it home. My pain level is up from moving the fridge but I can deal with that, took one of the pills that help so much. Even that frustrates me, not the pain but the pain pills, but they help. However they do absolutely nothing for these headaches. Aspirin seems to help a little so I’ll go take two right now before I forget. It’s so strange to have a headache and forget to take aspirin despite feeling it so acutely. And then after I take it I must make a note because five minutes later I can’t recall if I did or not.

It drives me nuts to not do the things I want and need to but this is a big reason why not. I lose hours and sometimes whole days where I just can’t do anything or if I can it’s not much. I keep telling myself that I’m lucky to be alive and often say to Cherie and others that “This is the cost of being alive” but that doesn’t always help.

I just realized I never ate. Don’t feel like it at all but know I should. I’ll look in the fridge. The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches I often have, one of my favorites, don’t even sound good. I’ll force something down.

6/26/09 Friday
It’s so gratifying to finally finish something. It took five days but the herb garden is done and planted. All the herbs smell so great. The next thing is to see if everything grows and if not to figure out why. I’m truly building this farm with blood, sweat, and tears. That is if you count the frustration and whining as tears. Lots of sweat and I daily get cuts and stickers so there’s no arguing that.

This is what I had in mind two years ago. It took me this long to do it, partly because the resources (mostly railroad ties) just now became available. My vision for this farm is clear and has been in my mind ever since we learned we would inherit this place. Sure it has evolved as I learn and become smarter, more cognizant, but the basics are unchanged. Where this vision came from I’m not sure but would like to think there is a divine hand involved. Ever since I woke from the coma I’ve had a sense that there is a reason I’m alive, a reason I was raised from the dead. Add to that how things seem to come together in a miraculous way, especially the restoration of my marriage with Cherie, and you can see why I think that. Lord knows I’m blessed. Oh nothings easy but it’s still good.

Yesterday I went to pick up some firewood from a sweet little old lady. We need to start stocking up for the upcoming winter so that was a blessing. She is a sweetheart and we talked for almost two hours. She grew up on a farm and raised seven kids. All of them except one live far away, one in Maine. The one lives in Odessa and just got married so doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with her mom.

During the conversation I learned that “G” (That’s what I’ll call her. Can’t remember her name but know it starts with a G) had sold her twenty six room house and farm, that was not in the area at all, and gotten her townhouse in Midland. She’s been attending a church for two years and never had a visitor. What a crime that is and how I can relate. So I told her about our church and how we had found friends and fellowship and invited her to come.

She has a torn rotator cup that doctors haven’t done a thing about for seven months. They tried steroid shots and stuff but nothing worked. Looking at her unkempt lawn I offered to mow it. Will do that today if I can get her mower running, and do some other things around the house. I keep saying I’ll do things but don’t so I need to make sure this happens. Having it scheduled with a day and time helps insure that. That’s how it has to be. Otherwise things don’t happen. This seems hard for others to understand and I always get the “Come over when you want or can” type of thing. Then it never happens. This is a common problem for us TBI survivors and many of us must live a scheduled life and develop firm routines to accomplish much of anything.

I’ll need to buy a new chain for the chain saw as G has an old tree stump she needs cut down.

The old man just called and needs help so got to go.

6/25/09 Thursday
The heat sure took a lot out of me yesterday. Cherie noticed it right away when she came home. It will be hotter today. There is so much to do and I’m sure I’ll push the envelope again. Part of my tasks will be picking up firewood from a seventy year old ladies house that she doesn’t want anymore. Any firewood is good as I need to stock up for winter. Waiting till the last minute is not wise. I will try to get Cherie’s truck to a shop today. Don said that a place called “John’s Automotive” does good work and is reliable. I need to call them this morning before I forget. This morning I hope to finish the raised garden beds. Got the pipe all laid and hooked up but need to put the drip irrigation stuff in place. Went back out to work on it at about seven last night, when I felt strong enough, but had to quit when it got dark. Got to go and beat the heat.
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12:15 - Just found another Trojan on this computer. Seems like we’re being targeted lately. I have to wonder if that’s connected to the work I’m doing to expose that scam artist.